Monday, May 3, 2010

life in suburbia

is very safe, sanitary and overly comfortable, I have noticed. ie. vaguely boring, if I am allowed to say that which i'm going to be indulgent in doing so since this is my blog and all... I went to a wedding over the weekend (the main reason why I had returned to Australia) and found it a bit disheartening in one sense as I watched the lack of mingling between different groups of guests. I don't mean to put any one down by any means, it was just an observation i made that people very much kept to their distinctive groups. Ther was no interaction at all, or attempts to meet people from other circles of life. Why are we such an inwardly looking society? I don't understand some of these things. But I doubt i particularly think (or act) in a 'normal' way of our society.

I find that insanely frustrating, how cliquey and exclusive people are. Me, well I feel a bit lost (as usual) trying to find where I belong (or most likely, don't) and am willing to chat with anyone and everyone. I realise that alot of people who are in these exclusive circles have no idea that they are being so exclusive, but sometimes I wish peoples' eyes could be opened and their "blinkers" as I put it, taken off. I feel for people when they are excluded from situations. There were 3 young adults at the wedding who I spoke to, who knew no one else because they were old family friends. I tried to include them as much as possible in the small dance circle where we met, but there is only so much that you can do.

Since I've been back in Australia, there have been a couple of random things that I've had to remind myself or check myself about. Simple things that most people wouldn't even take a second thought about. For example, the fact that toilet paper is in fact actually allowed to go inside the toilet (rather than in a bin next to it), that I can drink water straight from the tap (and shower) and that I should probably check the road BEFORE I cross it - rather than just crossing without looking.

I fear that I am going to be too blunt for society here, too open or abrupt or seem uncaring. I don't mean for that to be so. I think I've just gotten to a point where I'm happy to say pretty much anything to anyone without reservations (but I'm sure there is a limit to that). Some of the people I have been interacting with are rough characters and you just get used to it. We'll see how I go.

I've just looked back over some of my earlier entries where I mentioned some of my aims or hopes from travelling through asia. One of my major goals was to find some sort of conclusion towards what I want in life. I still don't know entirely what I want. I do know however that I love meeting and interacting with people, exploring new places and music. The last 2 months especially I have become more and more addicted to music, playing guitar and singing. I think I mentioned something briefly in my last blog how i was being approached on the beach every night by random people telling me I needed to do something with my music, recording. It is amazing how you can reach people through music. I am seriously addicted. I was going to bed between 4-6am every night in phi-phi islands and since getting back to australia I have been getting distracted in the exact same way by my 'real' guitar and playing playing playing until the early hours of the morning. Subsequently I have suffered a bit more jet-lag than I probably should have, as Thailand is only 3 hours difference to Australia! I do love music and wonder what I should do with this. I did make some contacts with people who want to record with me over there, and what people said to me reflected what other friends and family said to me before I left Australia. I guess it is another option of something I can branch off into. I just dont know if its the right one or not!!

"I just want God to move me, change me, grow me, make me more than what I am today. Somehow I think this might help." This was a sentance I wrote before i had left Australia. I can't say for sure how much I have changed, but I can tell that I have in at least some ways. I have become so much more sure of myself, more confident in letting others know that I am a christian and for standing up for my values, not letting people influence me in ways I don't agree with. This trip has definitely opened myself up to being more free in expressing my christianity which I think is a major bonus!

I got to go to church last night for the first time in 3 or 4 months which was great! Travis is an awesome speaker and easy to listen to. They were speaking on Exodus 3, the story of Moses and the burning bush. The point that most stood out to me however, was how often we need to act in faith before getting a sign of what we should be doing - stepping out in faith and God will confirm later that was what we were sposed to do, and if not, something else will eventuate. Other points that stood out to me were to not doubt the word of God, and not denying the abilities that God has given me.

All these points are quite relevent to me at the moment as I am at crossroads yet again. I am not a person to settle down, that is quite obvious and clear to both myself and others. I struggle being in one place for a long time. I was speaking with a friend from church last night about what my "plans" and where I was going to be over the next while and she told me straight out that I wouldn't stay (in the mountains that is). Right now I have many options or possibilities of what i should or could do and I am at a loss as to what to do with any of them, whether to branch out into music, get into a ministry in the backpacking scene(something I felt a definite call towards while I was away), return to vietnam to complete an internship at a dive centre I have contacts with (as I really really really loved diving) or to work full time in australia for a while. I'm not sure! But I do know that God will help me work it out and be there supporting me 100% of the way regardless of what I choose or what paths I take.

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